My Grief, My problem

Losing someone who was woven into the fabric of your life since birth, someone you deeply loved and has been a constant force in your life causes indescribable pain and heartbreak. Unfortunately, to understand this pain, this ordeal has to be experienced as it is beyond explanation. In the normal course of events every individual will go through it at least once in lifetime. This loss creates a void that echoes forever and the experience becomes life altering. The intensity of the pain varies with the emotional bond shared with the person, stronger the bond more severe is the pain. It becomes even more excruciating when one realizes that one will never see that face again, or hear the voice or feel their presence.

In some cultures where the belief of transmigration of soul exists the pain is more intense. The survivor constantly searches for the signs of the presence of the departed soul. One wonders if the soul is watching out or sending some signals. Remember the movie "Ghost", it was a very well made movie which casted an impression on many about the life after death.

It was an early morning of December second 2024. I was having a one sided, long distance, virtual conversation with my mother who was in coma for last two days. She was thousands of miles away, fighting for her life and I was telling her that I'm not ready to let her go, I was requesting her to come back "Mumma theek ho jao" (Mumma please get well), hoping she would hear me, that's when she took two deep breaths and left me forever. The shock, the devastation and the trauma that moment caused is still fresh in me and I still live it in my head every day. It seems that I do not want that memory to fade as that was the last moment when I had a mother, and yet it triggers sadness beyond words. My darling Mumma was gone. Over six months into that day and my grief is still as painful as it was the day of. Not a day goes by when I do not feel sorry for myself and I miss my best friend, my confidant and the one who carried me for nine months in her womb before she showed me the daylight of the world. I have lost the only person who was happy in my happiness and sad in my unhappiness. My needs took precedence over her needs. I shared my happy thoughts, my devious thoughts and my dark thoughts with her and she would smile or give me some advice. How do I cope with this astronomical loss? She taught me a lot but skipped this crucial chapter. It is not fair.

The only change in my behavior, since her loss is that I have developed a strong coping mechanism and I grieve alone when no one is with me. Sometimes, I'm driving back from work in the late evening and the smallest thought can trigger strong emotions and I feel that churning sensation in my stomach and I ruminate alone, all my good times with her and I cry my heart out. This works as a self therapy for me. The pain comes with the same intensity every single time but it has become smart enough to find an appropriate opportunity, it appears mostly when I'm alone.

My realization is that your loved ones around you give you permission to grieve for few days then they start preaching you about the ways to let go and if you still cannot control your emotions then they send you to a therapist. If by mistake I become emotional in someone's presence why do I feel embarrassed? Why don't I have the permission to be myself especially with my near and dear ones. Maybe, my grief will trigger other person's grief and it will create a mayhem of emotions for both. I don't know why but you are on your own with your grief. Eventually I'm realizing that my grief is my problem and as far as others are concerned we will continue to share with each other our "sweet little nothings."